| Time for honesty... (Please read it all and offer input)... |
[16 Jun 2009|03:39am] |
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 Ashamed |
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Brand New |
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I'm an asshole. Actually, I take that back... I'm the sweetest guy ever, but I've never been so confused or so stressed over my entire life than I am at this very moment. From my job situation to my dating life, not one part of me is at a calm stand-still - and it's starting to take it's toll on me.
I guess I'll start off with my job. Home Depot... Was a great place to work, originally. Many of the people are awesome, and the job is always challenging and for the most part busy. But I swear to god... The fucking politics being played there is ridiculous. Now, I'm used to politics (I'm a Pro Wrestler, remember), but I've never really been associated with it outside of my career - and it really, truly does suck. Don't get me wrong - I love working at Home Depot, but it just really bothers me that I literally bled and sweat my ass off for the company to earn a spot past temp - and I get fucked over as I'm getting released on my 89th day there and I officially can't earn unemployment because of it. Fucking bullshit, man. I dunno if that's a corporate decision (usually is, but you never know) - but it puts me in a really bad spot, and I dunno what I'm going to do until I can find a job in the Personal Training field, or I get signed by the WWE. Again, I hope it's a corporate decision - because I will be REALLY disgusted if this decision was made by people there that have something against me. I'm not sending out any accusations, but I just really hope that isn't the case because I feel I've gotten close to almost everyone there and I consider a lot of people at Home Depot my friends.
The only thing that really isn't stressing me out right now, surprisingly, is Pro Wrestling. I'm doing better than I've ever done, both popularity and actual performance-wise. Call me an optimist, but I think I'll be signed sometime in the next two years. You can probably call me cocky too, but whatever - it's how I feel.
I legitimately don't like my mother and I'm completely digusted by her so much that it makes me sick to my stomach. It KILLS me to say that and think that about her, because for most of my life I was really close with her - but after the events of late last year up until now, she's not the woman that raised me. She's not my mom - she's someone else. Someone I don't recognize. My mother wouldn't have fucked me over like what this woman did to me. There's A LOT more to this situation than I've explained, but I don't want to delve into this any further because this is extremely personal to me...
I'm very excited to start taking the NASM Personal Training course certification. I've been interested in working out and helping others with their routines and goals, so I figured I might as well find a job in the field. It'll never take over as my main career, but until I get signed - I need some source of income, right?
Now, here comes the tough part about this blog, and what is mainly stressing me out (but not surprisingly)... My "dating life."
Now, most of the time I bitch about not having a girl in my life and being lonely. Well... It's exactly the opposite this time around. I have a few too many girls in my life, and I've been lying to them all. I've NEVER done this before, and I feel like the BIGGEST absolute asshole in the world. This isn't me... I've never, ever wanted to be like this. I don't honestly consider myself or even think I'm a player, because my intentions are for WAY more than a piece of ass - but as I've explained to a good friend of mine before, it's like "looking for a pair of shoes that fit the best."
Laura, I'm so sorry for adding to your problems and officially make your life a living hell. I really did like you for a while, you were such an awesome, awesome girl to hang out with and a great person to talk to - but due to your "issue," I don't think I'd ever be able to trust you in a relationship - no matter how hard you tried to control it. And honestly, the more I think about it, I don't think we'd be able to have a successful relationship - I think I see you more as a friend than anything. I need someone who is more confident and sure of herself, and I don't want to have to keep you together like glue to a puzzle. I'll feel more like I'm in the relationship to keep you from falling apart, rather than to actually have a relationship with you. I just don't think it'll work...
Holly, I'm sorry for falling so fast for you and putting you in such an awkward and undeserving situation with both life and work. I couldn't help it though - I just felt a huge connection with you from right when I first saw you when I was getting the walk through in garden. I think we could have something amazing if it was given the chance. But I know you don't (or didn't) want to get anything serious going for a while, but I can't help but feel so confused by your actions and intentions. I know you're just as confused, but it's like daily with you. One day you flirt with me and show attraction, the next day you barely talk to me, act like I'm less than you, and block me from your FaceBook. I understand you're stressed out... But what the hell is going on? I know you wanna be friends, but I feel like there's something more to this than what you're actually telling me. You're an amazing girl and I don't want you out of my life - but if you want me out of yours, then I really do need to know.
Jessica, just take your time. Mature and learn from what you've just gone through. You have so much potential to be an awesome wife and mother, but you won't reach it if you continue doing what you've always done. You know very well I'm right with everything I've said - I know you feel the same way. I'm here for you as a friend and nothing else, because you need me to be right now... But if you ever feel differently... Let me know as soon as you feel it. You know you can always be honest with me, and I'll be honest right back.
Sarah, I'm sorry I lied to you about everything you know about. You have no idea how badly I feel regarding what I've done to you - I wish I could take it all back to the point where you never even met me, so you wouldn't have to go through this pain. While you made your mistakes as well, you NEVER deserved the pain I've put you through over the past several weeks. And what hurts me more is the stuff that you never knew before that you just read above. I don't think I can ever be with you, because I know this stuff is going to keep on happening. For some reason, I won't allow myself anymore to prevent me from talking and being interested in other girls. And it was happening long before Holly... Although just not to the extent that it got to with her. Our fights got to the point eventually where I needed to find solice with other girls (I never cheated on you, though... I just flirted). I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel needed, Sarah... And you just weren't giving that to me - the girls I talked to did. It was so completely wrong of me to do that, but it's what I did and it kept me sane for a LONG time. At this point, I don't think we're going to get back together... And I think it's for the best. I don't want to have to lie to you and hurt you anymore, and I know if we got back together, I would continue to do so. I wish I could keep you as my best friend, but I don't think you're going to want that from me. I'm so sorry, lovely... I'm so fucking sorry you have no idea... But I love you too much to keep doing this to you... You need to find someone who will NEVER, EVER do that to you and will treat you like a Queen - because it's what you deserve...
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. If anyone could give me advice, opinions, stories, etc. - it's very well-appreciated. I know you're probably thinking I'm the biggest douchebag in the world at this point, but I need to be honest with myself and everyone else now...
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[03 Apr 2009|10:01pm] |
I. Need. A. Job.
:(!
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| PLEASE come to this on Sunday! |
[26 Dec 2008|10:00am] |
BCWA PRESENTS
</a>
DOORS OPEN AT 1:30 PM; SHOW STARTS AT 2:00 PM
TICKET PRICES - $5. 00 for ADULTS; $3.
00 for children 12 AND UNDER
THE SALVATION ARMY
16130 Northland Dr.
Southfield, MI 48075
Call 1-313-310-4730 or visit BCWAONLINE. COM for more info!
MATCHES ANNOUNCED
(Card Subject to Change)
The BCWA Heavyweight Champion JUDAS COLTRAIN will be defending his championship against the Revolution 9 winner HUDGE
The BCWA Tag-Team Champions, THE SHADOWOODS SHOTGUNS, will be putting their gold on the line as they take on ENTERPRISE
"THE LAST DRAGON" ZANE SILVER will collide with CHASE BURNETT in a LAST MAN STANDING match
The BCWA National Champion JAREK 1:20 will be taking on "THE HOLLYWOOD SENSATION" JOHNNY MARGERA in a match for the gold
BCWA will present for the FIRST-TIME in it's history - A WOMEN'S WRESTLING MATCH
The second annual $5,000, 15-Man BATTLE ROYAL
ROBERT JAMEZ will be fighting AKSEL GEER's UNNAMED MONSTER in an epic CLASH OF THE TITANS
THE MISFITS will go head-to-head with THE HEADLINERS
A special attraction match featuring "PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING'S STRONGEST MAN" against a "7-FOOT GIANT"
ALSO - JOIN US FOR THE 2008 BCWA YEAR END AWARDS
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| Widget |
[21 Oct 2008|09:46pm] |
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Help get me on Daisy of Love!
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| Another day, another failure... |
[03 Oct 2008|04:29am] |
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mood |
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 jealous |
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music |
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Lacuna Coil - Heaven's a Lie |
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Another day, another failure...
I really wish people would stop telling me that I'm such a great guy and that any girl would kill to be with me. It's all bullshit to try and make me feel better. I don't believe a god-damn word of any of it, because if there were any truth in that comment - it would have happened already. Not even a relationship or a date, but more signs of interest from the opposite sex. I get NONE of it. At all.
I really need to stand by my word of not wanting to date. It's just so hard though - I'm assuming it'd be easier if I had some recently that actually wanted to be with me, rather than having girls with boyfriends flirting with me or girls that were interested in me moved on almost immediately after finding a new guy. It's like the proverbial "bait on a line" with me - I get close... And then it just goes away. Then it's dangled in front of me again, I go after it, then POOF - the bait is pulled from the water to be cast somewhere else. It's bullshit, man.
I'm not the guy girls want. Don't be surprised that I'm single. I'm not surprised anymore. It's commonplace now. I'd actually be more surprised if someone DID tell me they wanted to go on a date with me or some shit like that. Someone I'm interested in, at least. It's not too hard for me to turn people down that I'm not interested in, but at least I don't drag them on and on for a long time before I decide to reject them for someone else or for no reason at all - I do it straight away, before feelings get overly involved. I wish more girls had the same respect for me, but sadly, I never see it.
Girls, here is my question for you. What exactly am I doing wrong? Am I not fucking you over or lying to you enough? Am I not popular or powerful enough? Is it because I don't have a nice car or a very-high paying job? Is it because I won't cheat on you? Is it because I'm "too good for you" (which is bullshit)? Not enough confidence or cockiness (wonder why)? Maybe it's because I don't party and get drunk or stoned for a living?
Seriously. Tell me. I'd like to know. You all obviously have a good reason for choosing someone else over me, so let's hear it.
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| Can someone... |
[01 Oct 2008|09:11pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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Please tell me why I give my emotions to people when I get nothing back?
I'd like to stop.
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| So... |
[12 Sep 2008|12:45am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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Attack of the Show |
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Apparently I have my own entrance video.
All credit and thanks go to mah boi, Evan. :)
--Justin
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| Meh, do it... |
[15 Aug 2008|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric/quote:
12. best time of the year:
13: a recent picture of yourself:
14: what is your job?
RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a song:
4. a comic book:
5. a short story:
6. a TV program:
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you.
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[16 Jul 2008|12:41am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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BCWA will be at the Warped Tour this Friday at Comerica Park in Detroit, MI. Come out to see all of your favorite BCWA wrestlers and YOURS TRULY competing all day!
Also Sunday, July 20th, BCWA will be bringing you DRASTIC MEASURES. A lot of very good match-ups have been signed already, and as for me... I'll be taking on Irish Mike Bailey for the #1 Contendership of the BCWA Heavyweight Championship! If you want a good time on a Sunday afternoon, you should come out! If you want to attend, send me a message and I'll give you directions.
Have you ever wanted to buy an official "Johnny Margera" t-shirt? NOW YOU CAN! Message me for details on how to buy a "Johnny Margera" shirt.
--Justin
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| Time for an old school entry... |
[30 Jun 2008|07:13am] |
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Yeah, it's gonna be me bitching about a situation involving a girl again - but I'll keep it pretty straight-forward.
There's this girl I just met, and I like her ALOT. I'm not kidding when I think she's my second-half - it's actually scary how much we think alike, talk alike, and like the same stuff. There are a few big differences in us, but holy shit, it's seriously the fucking coolest thing ever. I'm really starting to fall for her.
Now one of the wrestlers I know is basically trying to steal her away from me, all the while lying, bullshitting, and exaggerating about it. He blatantly lied and contradicted himself, while proving me right about what I accused him off, to MY face. I swear to fucking god, it took every fucking cell in my body to remain professional and do something I might/might not have regretted. And just when I thought it was dealt with and finished...
He continues to try and get ahold of her. He won't fucking stop, and it's driving me up the fucking wall. I think really, really good things can come from this girl - but I'm seriously almost at the breaking point. Hopefully everything is finished off today, but I doubt it.
I really wanna talk to someone about this, so if anyone feels like helping me out, it'd be very much appreciated...
--Justin
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| Ha ha, everyone should do this... |
[09 Jun 2008|08:34pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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I just went through my old livejournal, and old entries from this one, and I've noticed the following about my younger self...
1.) I swore WAY too much.
2.) None of my jokes were that funny.
3.) Computer nerd (not much has changed, apparently).
4.) I had really, really good grammar - and still do.
5.) I had absolutely no life (even went as far as blogging about Progresso chicken noodle and Man vs. Beast 2)
6.) I did WAY too many surveys and quizzes.
7.) I was literally obsessed with an ex. Geeze. I think I need to go apologize now.
8.) I had (and still have) a shitload of women problems.
9.) You can literally see how I matured throughout the years.
10.) I described my personal affairs WAY too much. I feel really bad about it too.
Man, livejournal...
--Justin
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| I WILL BE WRESTLING AT THE WARPED TOUR AND MAYHEM FESTIVAL! |
[07 May 2008|12:18pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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Flobots - Handlebars |
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Yes, it's true... BCWA and myself will actually be wrestling at the Warped Tour in Comerica Park on July 18th, then the Mayhem Festival on August 9th (which will be headlined by Disturbed and Slipknot). If you want anymore information, let me know.
Now... Who said BCWA wouldn't succeed, and I won't get anywhere in wrestling?
--Justin
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[18 Apr 2008|01:19am] |
I'm definitely taking credit for all of the recent venting journal entries that have popped up on my friends page... Ha ha.
Feels better, doesn't it kids?
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| Alone... |
[07 Apr 2008|01:43pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Shinedown - I Dare You |
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Just finished getting into an argument with my mom about my wrestling career. She isn't too fond of it now, after seeing that little (well, big) bump on my head...
I don't really understand my life nowadays. I'm like a walking, talking contradiction. On one hand, I feel great - better than I have in years. I feel like I'm on the right path, going to where I want to be at. A lot of the times not even having a worry in the world. But then on the other hand... I get these little random periods where I feel absolutely miserable, and they're by far the worst feelings I've ever had. I'm not like bipolar or anything, but it feels like I've got shit truly missing in my life. Especially with how my life has been going over the last several months...
Two of my best friends for pretty much all of my life are basically gone now. One moved, and the other one moved on. It's really weird not being able to hang out with either of them like we used to - not being able to go fishing, or go to either one's house to watch some movies or play some video games. It just doesn't feel right to me, at all. I don't think I was ready for this to happen so soon, especially when I need best friends the most right now. It's in no way their faults, but it's completely mine. Something tells me if I were to have spoken up or been with either one at times where I wasn't, this wouldn't have happened. It almost feels as if they've died from my life - and it's one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I don't feel the same without them.
Then there's my whole dating life - or lack thereof. I find it odd that other people find it odd that I don't date, or have anyone in my life. Hell, I don't blame em. I've become so used to NOT having a woman in my life that it really doesn't bother me anymore - and that's scaring me shitless. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. This period of it should be about meeting people, getting experience or finding a lifelong partner... Yet I'm not doing either. I know I'm a good guy, I've got personality and I'm not too bad on the eyes... But yet, there's nothing. Just absolutely nothing. But do you blame women for not wanting to date me? I have nothing that appeals to any of them.
The only thing that I could potentially say I have is my wrestling career. It makes me feel good when I tell people I wrestle, and they'll say "I never knew a wrestler personally. That's really cool." It's not some sort of celebrity ego-stroking thing - it's just that I like to be considered unique. That's one of the things I strive to achieve with people I meet - I don't wanna be someone they already know. I wanna be someone they've just met, you know? The funny thing is - really, the only people that I'm somewhat close to are the people that beat the shit out of me every weekend. Not every one of them understands what I go through in my life or who I even am, but we're all united by one single passion. We all look out for each other, and even though we sometimes hurt each other, we trust one another almost completely. It's like the weirdest bonding experience ever... Ha ha. But I can tell you for certain, if it wasn't for wrestling - I'd have nothing. Not one thing. That's why I work so hard to achieve this dream of mine, because it's really the only thing I have and want that hasn't and won't fuck me over. People will fuck me over... But wrestling never will.
But starting today, I've lost the support of my mom with my wrestling career. I received a small injury last night, and she hasn't been the same with me since she saw it. She was the one person that I really, truly needed to support me with this - because she's the one who sees me come home almost every night, tired and sore. She sees who I am after the wrestling is done for the day. I don't really need a push to continue wrestling, but I look up to her just because she's, so far, been the only person to support me every step of the way. From the lows to the highs, she's been there. But now that I've lost that... I really don't have anyone. My grandma is completely against wrestling. None of my friends outside of wrestling care. I don't have a girlfriend, fiance, wife, or kid to root me on. I'd count everyone I met in wrestling, but most of them don't know me personally. All I really have is myself now... And I suppose that's all I need.
I dunno man, I really needed to vent. If you don't wanna read this whole thing, I guess I'll sum it up for you...
I am alone.
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| FOR COLIN SCOTT! |
[13 Feb 2008|05:34am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades |
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Here's your moonsault!
--Justin
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| Ohhh man... It's been super-long... |
[04 Jan 2008|06:01am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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music |
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The Misfits - Angelfuck |
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Ohhhh LJ, what happened to ya? I used to check you everyday, but alas, you don't make me feel happy anymore...
Anyways, what have I been up to... What have I been up to... Ok, well, let's divide it into categories.
Wrestling: Going extremely well. Just main evented Cataclysm in front of 338 paying people, 400+ if you count the people who got in for free. Made the Detroit News and what-not, as well. Thy name is getting bigger, and thy wrestling is getting mucho better week in and week out. We'll see where 2008 takes me.
Job: Working overnights at K-Mart, which is pretty fun considering the people I'm working with. Got this pretty hot lass there too, so that makes the nights go by easier. All in all, it's a decent way to make money right now.
School: Saving up for that, and will be going for personal training. I love working out.
Family: Doing alright. We don't argue as much, but my mom is in a rut right now. Hopefully she snaps out of it soon.
Friends: Dunno what happened in this area, to be honest. Brandon, Cameron, and I haven't hung out in so long. I guess we're all just going in completely seperate directions. I knew it'd happen eventually, but I can honestly say I wish it'd happen later on. I haven't seen anyone but people at work and at BCWA in a VERY long time, and I want to change that. So if you're reading this, holla at me.
Girls: Ya know, it's funny. Every single weekend, I have girls chanting my name and wanting me pretty badly - but I'm still just as lonely as I ever was. For some reason, dating and me just don't mix. I really need a chick partner. Maybe not to date, but to just have fun with and vent to when I need to. Eh, oh well...
I dunno what else to update you guys on. But yeah, 'tis all that has been going on. Get ahold of me - I'd love to catch up with ya'll.
Justin
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johnnymargera's journal
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